confessions of a cheater

Once a cheater..always a cheater. Isn't that how the story goes?


Background check:

He and I started dating when I was 19. Young love. I could not have been anymore heals over head in loove with this boy. I used to be in a relationship with him and it lasted 5.5 years. Well, what years you want to count faithful..it was only 2.5 years. But that's besides the point. Two years in into the relationship I get a phone call. One of the most horrific phone calls I thought I would be the last person on earth to receive.. "is it possible to like someone that is gay?" - my answer: "yes, gay, straight, bisexual, trisexual.. it is possible to like anyone...whyy?"


And that's when my heart died..

"I think I like *******" [name withheld because I refuse to type it.] His voice choked up as he spilled it off his tongue. I dropped to my knees and held my head in my hands. Was this a true story? The boy I pictured marrying, having children with..to like someone else?! When all I did was worship the ground he walked on.. to like someone else?! Still, to this day I choke up about it.

Which leads to the Kelly I am today. I can't hold a relationship. I can't hold onto faithfulness. Once he said that..I lost myself. I continued to stay with him for another 3 years. Repetition maybe the word I'm looking for here. The every day scene of waking up to that person had embedded itself deeply within my brain that I just couldn't let go. Hurt or not, I just couldn't break free until I was completely miserable that it ate away at my soul. But during those last 3 years.. I cheated. Left, right, up and down..hands down I was cheating. I cheated so much and so often that I even found myself to be pregnant and didn't know who's it was. His or someone else's.. I felt like the more I cheated and none of it he knew about made me feel like I was accomplishing the world. Felt like I was getting him back just for having feelings for someone else. And because of that I've now acquired the taste of unfaithfulness.

I find my self still browsing even tho I'm "in a relationship". Always looking for the next best thing. And maybe not even the next best thing...looking for a thrill. I've gotten away with it once, twice, nine times..the thrill to get away with it just one more time..exhilarating. It's a high that I've fulfilled once..once too many.

How does it make me feel to admit that i'm a cheater?
If only you knew.