i need a scalpel now while under these lights i lay.

painting..you asked what i do for me..i love to paint..most of the time i have all these thoughts bouncing around in my head.. but with a brush in my hand..the world just gets kinda quiet.
- probably one of the most favorite lines in a movie [the notebook]..cause that's how i feel right now.

this blog... it's gonna cover all subjects of life since the last time i posted. look forward to it.

first off..i realize that i want to go to school and working at brewhouse shouldn't reflect on who i am and what i want to be. it took me 2 years to figure out what i wanted to go to school for.. interpreting for the hearing impaired. the other night when chris from the boh of brewhouse came over and i tried teaching him sign language in the dark..when, he's partially deaf and he should already know sign language..that's me. and that's what i want to do.. he was overly excited for the fact that i'm so passionate about it, and wicked upset with himself for the fact that he does have the knowledge of sign language.
this is me..and call me a nerd. yes, i would love to go to school for sign langu..age. so, hate if you need too.

relationship status...lets go over this. i'm wicked bad at picking the worst of the worst. i like the bad boys that don't treat me like i should be. i'm used to not getting the door opened for me, chair pulled out for me so i can sit down, or even better....having that arm to hold onto while we're walking down the street so that i don't get mugged and i look like i'm actually with you.. since when did those boys come along.. well, i found one. and the biggest fear i have is.... i've been on my own..that single life for so loong life now that i know that i'm gonna fuck it up. that i'll be the one to cheat. i'll be the one to start the argument over my poor judgement and my poor actions..i just feel like after all the shit i've been thru with the one love i've had....

i'm fucked.

i'm gonna fuck up the best thing that comes along because of what i've been through and what i will do to sabotage myself from actually being happy. it's a default i have. it's something i'm gonna have to get used to.. actually,

i've come to terms with it.

and it.....

sucks.

another issue..job. i mentioned it earlier..brewhouse. it pays the bills. SOME of the times.. other times, i'm scrounging for money. but i've recently been offered a paralegal job. which, i'm hella down. but, do you think i know 2 shits about paralegal shit? fuck no. the only foot i have in the door is the fact that i've gotten a DUI... since when does a DUI help you get a job... yep, this one. helps i guess. i donno. so, i'm totally down to get out of brewhouse. i'm over the tables that tip only 10% on their tab.. when, i'm sorry to break it to ya....... we don't make $9 or $10 an hour.. yes, i'm sorry to break it to ya.. it's ssstilllllll $2.13 an hour.

the only advice i give you..that's if you've never been a waitress/waiter..watch the movie "waiting" please and FUCKING THANK YOU..

drinking..that's a whole new story.. it's new but, it's old with me. i've been drinking for a hot min. i've actually been drinking a lot heavily lately.. i can tell you why.. now, if you've asked me in person it's because "i've got nothing else better to do".. no, it's cause i've got nothing else better to....so i result to drinking.. i drink to forget. to, lose control of my feelings and sometimes cry. so, hate me.. i don't have someone to hold hands with; someone to share everyday secrets with; someone to look forward to being alive for.. so, you know what.. i'm gonna keep pushin my luck. push. push push. i push it so hard... that don't hate me cause i am going to admit it.. i push it so hard that i kinda don't care. i've been to the hospital and out of it once before, that i kinda don't mind that.. if i don't come out of it... that's fine. it was meant to be. just like i was meant to be cheated on. just like i was meant to be hit by a 54 year old ex marine.. yah, totally deserved it. so, life happens.. nothing too much to do about it.

..and i'll leave it at that.

can't forget the subject of drugs can we?!.....i've gotten into 'em lately. now, lemme clarify "drugs". i will hands down on my life, mom, sis and dad's life that i've never touched anything besides weed. you can test me all day everyday. the only shit i've got in my system is weed and alcohol. legit. shit happens when you hit a depressive state [which i'm sure will be my next paragraph].
i've done a hella amounts of weed lately. i never used to smoke. wait, when i was with HIM of 5.5 years, our relationship for the first year was THE hands down BEST [THE BEST] year of my life.. we never argued [girlfran knows EXACTLY who i'm talking about - altho she doesn't read my blog] and all we did was play video games and eat.. i could never ask for more [and for those of you that know me, know this brings me almost to tears to mention]..but, i used to be for a legit year; a pot head. i could go thru 3 or 4 bowls of weed. and i wouldn't even cough let alone get high... now, one poof.. and it's over and done with.

[and as i speak about my year of being a pot head, i listen to all the songs that took me back to that day; back to the day with him - i'm afraid. afraid i'll never ever get over him] <- this is where i show that i can be weak and i do have a soul.

my biggest fear [this is where i become vulnerable]..... i compare everyone to him. no one compares.

so, hate me.

and i'll never get through comparing everyone and anyone to you. so please, hate me for it.

please.

moving forward before i start cutting myself....

long dramatic pause.. i sit here. i breathe. i think...this isn't where i want to be. and i know that those who are reading this are pretty much thinking.. "why don't you shut the fuck up, either A: cut your self already or B: get off your asss and do something besides blog and facebook".........i understand this. but, i don't have support. i don't have encouragement to do anything with my self. i have low self esteem.. you wouldn't believe but i emotionally dog on myself. i nit-pick at myself. i dog myself so far down that, i actually believe that no one should feel sorry for me.

i'm my own bully.

 

basically this blog..

i've been down. i may have acted as my peppy happy self who claps and bounces around..but, i've had so much on my mind... that i don't even think i've even explained 1/2 of what was going on in my head right now... i guess i just need a canvas right now to paint it out cause no words could even describe the thoughts that bounce around my/alley's head [you'll get this if you've seen the movie...from the first paragraph.]

since i've started listening to for example: the used, senses fail, taking back sunday, saves the day.. [all of your bands]... i'll leave you readers with this...

depression is temporary...death is permanent.

[& i'll try to keep that in mind.]

class of 2003

So, I was thinking the other day while I was getting ready for work.. Not only have I not blogged in forever but it crossed my mind that I graduated in 2003. In 2 years it'll be 10 years since I've been out of high school and have yet to go to college. Wow, have I really accomplished a lot. Psyche.

I'm 26 years old, single, live in East Atlanta with a roommate whom I've known for probably 6 to 7 years now, work in a restaurant in little 5..the list goes on. The list doesn't seem to make me sound any better so, I'm just going to stop there..

I pictured my life a little differently back when I graduated 8 years ago.. I was going to do something with my life and be proud of all that I've accomplished.. and NONE of that happened. As soon as I graduated I went right to work starting at chili's bar and grill on highway 78, then onto applebee's on stone mountain highway and even sadly working for napa auto parts as a delivery driver on peachtree industrial. That's when I got the awesome big girl job working for MBS [medical business service] in a cubicle collecting insurance payments..I was making the big dollas: $12.68 an hour. Who doesn't love a guaranteed paycheck every 2 weeks? Until, I got fired. FAIL. And now I'm working in the largest well known soccer bar in little 5.
During all that time I was seeing Justin [it would of been 7 years together this june 17th]. We had plans to get married, already picked out children names..the works. But, low and behold if you've read a few of my posts back..that didn't work out as planned.
moving forward..

It wasn't until 2 years after graduating till i figured out what I wanted to go to college for.. interpreting for the hearing impaired. Aka: sign language. Now that I've figured out what I want to study..I'm just too wicked nervous to get back into school. What's even worse, nowI have no transportation to get me to and from school. On top of lack of transportation, school fees.. lordy lordy. It is never ending how many fails can be accounted for in just this one paragraph.

Well, while thinking how depressing my life is at this very moment..the 10 year class reunion will be in 2 years. [Which threw me into a bigger slum. ]Maybe I should get my act together and start doing something with myself instead of working at a restaurant in little 5 and living with someone whom I've never even seen naked before.
Or, I could always go the Romie and Michelle high school reunion route..

I invented post-its.

clever, right?

I donno, but all I do know is that some time soon I need to start getting my act together and grow up. I'm again, 26 years old and working in an industry that I have no way of excelling in. I'm single, and without baby gravy, I'm never going to be able to have kids [unless I go to the bank of course]. Cause when it comes time to reunite with my 2003 graduates.. the title of "I invented post-its" has already been taken and I need to come up with my own invention:

the invention of myself.

26 and never pregnant but has a baby

This post is for you Lulla.

I myself am a single 26 year old woman. I have dated off an on and for those who have known me for while, even held a rocky; off an on 5.5 year relationship. But never have I had a child.

until now.

Do you ask how she got her name? Let me tell you. Lulla: short for.... Galilahi. [F.M.L.....[I just googled the spelling and that's when I realized that I was wrong.] which i feel dumb now because I thought it was spelled with a U..but apparently it isn't]. So, shoot me. [don't tell anyone..I'm still gonna tell people that it's with a U..that way I don't feel and look dumb every time I explain how she got her name] Moving forward. It's a Cherokee Indian name for "attractive". It's a name that Justin and I had decided to name one of our children; preferably a little girl. As soon as I picked her out [being that there were only 2 puppies left in the liter.] I knew she'd make a great GalUllahi. She was the most attractive puppy I had ever seen [out of the 2]. 

I've grown up around cats all my life..but, cats no where near depends on you as much and is as loyal to you as a puppy is. The cat does it's own thing on it's own terms at it's own time. [ <- sounds like me ]

I may have only had Lulla for about 9 weeks now..but since day one..she has had me wrapped around her paw. Never have I ever had something in my life so worth meaningful to wake up to. Someone to wake up to that doesn't mind my morning breath or if my hair is messy and my make up is smeared across one eye and not the other. Someone who worships the ground I walk on just as much as I worship the ground she walks on. She's my baby.

I've never had a puppy before. My parents wouldn't allow me to have one while I was growing up because "puppies are a lot of work". And boy, let me tell you sumtin'... were they right!
I'm not used to waking up for someone else. I'm not used to being on a schedule to take care of anyone but myself..when to eat; when to poop..you name it.. it has been nothing but me me me for the past 26 years.

And megga thanks goes to my roommate Luke. I haven't and didn't know two shits about how to take care of a puppy. When to feed it, when to take it out, how to train it to do sit - stay - lay down. [I've even taught her to do high five..which consists of jumping up and hitting both paws in my hands.. it's a high ten but that just doesn't sound as cool as "high five" does.] If it weren't for him my place would probably be covered in feces and the puppy would be skin and bones because I'd probably only remember to feed it just here and there. 'Cause I myself only eat here and there. So, this paragraph goes out to you Luke. High ten. [ha!]

But, I had the scare of my life yesterday.

Hold it..let me back track. Lulla had been throwing up a few days in a row. Didn't know why. I'm not a vet. But, when it got to the point that she wasn't eating, dry nose and didn't have any excitement when she saw another human being.. Something is up. Like I said, I'm not a doctor but I knew it was that time she got checked out.

Over $200 later [which was entirely worth it, because she is however my baby].. she has a metal link stuck in her small intestines [about the size of a pea]. Which the vet explained to Luke and I that if not removed it will tear through her small intestines; will turn in the gangrene and eventually death.

Needless to say..I was a hot mess all day yesterday at work, after work, at the bar and at home..I drank until I was stupid pretty much.

Just got a call from the vet. Asked how she was doing. I explained that today she has a semi wet nose, seems more alert, has eaten [which is a major plus because she hadn't eaten in over a day and a 1/2] but she still isn't up to par. But he tells me that puppies sometime get a burst of energy and to not let it fool me and that the metal may still be in her..can we say..buzz kill?

But, Lulla my baby seems to be progressing. Going to keep an eye on her..may not even partake in today's festivities. I want what is best for my puppy and if that means going without drinking for today..

Lulla, you're worth more than any alcoholic beverage I've ever had. promise.

dirty little 3 legged freaks

It was 2006 I believe, when I realized it. It was thanks to the Oasis Good Time Emporium when I realized it. It took Justin to cheat on me to realize it.

I'm a bisexual.

I admitted it. Either hate it or love it. I honest to Jebus don't care anymore whether you can handle it or not. I'm me. [insert Peter Griffin saying: "yay! you let me be myself!"]

This year has been nothing but rough, dating wise. Since Justin I've had 2 "boyfriends" that have only lasted a month each. This last boyfriend.. a royal NIGHTMARE.

I'm have a terrible choice of judgment. I find the cover of the book attractive and then come to find out after you start reading it just plain sucks. I pick the losers that treat me like shit and pick the good guys and treat them like shit. Well, not necessarily.. I push and push the good guys that I date TO try to make them treat me like crap. I can never just accept that hey, maybe I do deserve to be treated like a princess [princess awesome sucks - Darian].
In result, my terrible choice of judgment has pushed me over the edge. Al nudged me over the fence. That's all it took was dating a loser for a month..losing my glasses, my phone and my car in 1 month..that now I feel like I'm physically and mentally scarred from what I call them now, 3 legged freaks.

Not to sound conceded or all into myself..I'm pretty sure I could have any guy on my door step if I called them up right now to have sex with me. I apparently have that luxury from what I'm told. Over the years I've apparently grown into this "beautiful woman". When before, I looked like a nerd who didn't know what eye brow waxing and hair straightners were. So sue me.

I've had plenty of opportunities to make, what my ex-best friend Kevin would call it: "make dicks wet". But, have I been in the mood? No. Have I wanted to? No. Do I want to? Honestly, right now? NO.
The entire dirty little 3 legged freak male race..I'm completely turned off by you right now. Actually, it's so terrible you make me want to be full blow gay. [insert hand on hip and other hand hand flail here]

I know this has affected a few guys that are interested in me. I'm sorry. Thank all the ass hole boyfriends I've had. It has gotten to the extent that I get grossed out just by being touched. I'm sexually worthless to the male race right now because I'm that turned off by you guys. I've gotten to the point that I now check out women more than I do men. Maybe I'm in need of a change? Heck, can't knock it till ya try it. That's the saying.. Right?

Which brings me to the subject of Atlanta. Gays/bis are everywhere. I see it all day everyday. At work. At Mary's. It's completely amazing living closer to the city that I can actually get away with holding another girls hand [when or if ever the time comes]. Unlike Gwinnett which is frowned upon and ignored..which is what I gathered living up there so long. Just like my facial piercings, chucks and skinny jeans. I got the stares just from that..imagine showing the old classic PDA with another female in Gwinnett. Close minded fuckers. I used to be one. I used to be close minded about the gay/lesbian/bi community that I even frowned upon it. Until I had a few experiences of my own.

So, boys, I'll leave you with this. Leave me alone for right now. I want physically and mentally nothing to do with you. I've been burned countless times and maybe even once too many. You don't turn me on right now. I'm on the hunt and it's not for you.

I've sunk my teeth into the forbidden fruit and there is no turning back now.

what's in a boyfriend?

Saturday. I hate you. Just saying.


I definitely did not see this coming. Or maybe I should have?
Let me tell you my story:

I've been dating Al. Going on almost a whole month now. The relationship has completely gone way too fast. Can you imagine that he's already living with me? well, I hate to admit..he is. Ever since our first date to Blue Frog..

::insert crazy eyed face here:: o_O

Within this month I have lost:
-my prescription glasses that I need to see to drive. [which is kinda pointless now]
-lost my car due to car accident.
-gained a severely sprained ankle that has kept me out of work since the beginning of march.

WHAT ELSE COULD GO WRONG?!

Oh boy, let. me. tell. you.

Al is in jail in Fayette county. Probation Violation. [Been there, done that - although I only had to serve 30 days on house arrest.] And it doesn't look like he's getting out here soon. Probably expecting to see him [that's if they don't keep him after his court date] mayybe mid April. Well, he has been busting his ass at work to help pay my rent of $500 due to the fact that I've been out of work since the accident. He would store the money in the office in a safe hidden place that he didn't even know about so that he would refrain from spending it when he goes out after work. Or so I thought.

Spoke with Al yesterday on Luke's phone. Which, charged $10 to Luke's phone bill to call from jail..he wasn't very thrilled. Asked Al about the rent money he was saving at work. He doesn't have it. His friend Scott does and to not hit up Scott via facebook because Al wants to talk to him about it first. Kinda odd but, I say okay.
During this whole thing I've been talking with Al's mother over the phone. Had to call her up and let her know about the accident. Called her up to speak with her about Al and rent. Al's mother Susa, a very wonderful sweet sounding lady that just doesn't sound like she could hurt a fly. I've never met the woman before. But, I tell her that Al can no longer call because of the $10 phone charge that is applied to the phone bill for every single phone call. So, I had her relay a message to him when she went to go visit him this morning. Asking her to ask him about rent and how to get it from Scott. Just a simple task.

Saturday. Today.
I called Susa around 10:30 this morning. I knew that she had planned to visit Al in jail at 9 am. She has this tremble in her voice and pauses between her sentences as she goes to tell me about the rent money.
Al gave the money to Scott. Obviously, this I know since he told me this yesterday. Well, just my luck..Al owed Scott money and Scott already spent it. So, my mind runs a blank as Susa is expressing how sorry she is that he did that to me. When the agreement was that Al was going to work for me and twice as hard so he can afford my rent due to the fact that I've been stuck on crutches and out of work since March 8th.

Can we say..throw me under the bus a little?!

So, Al is no help. He has not been anything but the opposite of help since I met him. So, what's in a boyfriend? Oh, I don't know..apparently I like liars. Assholes. Jerks. Scumbag low life's who wreck your car, lie to you, make you lose your glasses in an argument, and scam you on their word and out of rent.

Fuck you Saturday. Fuck you 2011 and fuck you Al.

sincerely, single

confessions of a cheater

Once a cheater..always a cheater. Isn't that how the story goes?


Background check:

He and I started dating when I was 19. Young love. I could not have been anymore heals over head in loove with this boy. I used to be in a relationship with him and it lasted 5.5 years. Well, what years you want to count faithful..it was only 2.5 years. But that's besides the point. Two years in into the relationship I get a phone call. One of the most horrific phone calls I thought I would be the last person on earth to receive.. "is it possible to like someone that is gay?" - my answer: "yes, gay, straight, bisexual, trisexual.. it is possible to like anyone...whyy?"


And that's when my heart died..

"I think I like *******" [name withheld because I refuse to type it.] His voice choked up as he spilled it off his tongue. I dropped to my knees and held my head in my hands. Was this a true story? The boy I pictured marrying, having children with..to like someone else?! When all I did was worship the ground he walked on.. to like someone else?! Still, to this day I choke up about it.

Which leads to the Kelly I am today. I can't hold a relationship. I can't hold onto faithfulness. Once he said that..I lost myself. I continued to stay with him for another 3 years. Repetition maybe the word I'm looking for here. The every day scene of waking up to that person had embedded itself deeply within my brain that I just couldn't let go. Hurt or not, I just couldn't break free until I was completely miserable that it ate away at my soul. But during those last 3 years.. I cheated. Left, right, up and down..hands down I was cheating. I cheated so much and so often that I even found myself to be pregnant and didn't know who's it was. His or someone else's.. I felt like the more I cheated and none of it he knew about made me feel like I was accomplishing the world. Felt like I was getting him back just for having feelings for someone else. And because of that I've now acquired the taste of unfaithfulness.

I find my self still browsing even tho I'm "in a relationship". Always looking for the next best thing. And maybe not even the next best thing...looking for a thrill. I've gotten away with it once, twice, nine times..the thrill to get away with it just one more time..exhilarating. It's a high that I've fulfilled once..once too many.

How does it make me feel to admit that i'm a cheater?
If only you knew.

sleeping alone plus 1

How do you know when a relationship has gotten old? When you run out of things to talk about? When you can't stand the sight of each other? Maybe even worse, when you go to bed together and you still feel like you're going to bed and waking up alone..bingo.

Over the past 3 almost 4 weeks I haven't been the normal happy/bouncy/off the wall Kelly like I usually am. Let me tell you why:
The car accident has left me off my feet for the past 3 almost 4 weeks with a severely sprained ankle. Hobbling around on crutches isn't too flashy these days. Although, it tends to get you a little more respect when you need the door opened for you or the chair pulled out so you can sit down in a comfortable manor. But that's besides the point.


Here is my point: car-less. sprained ankle. Luke and Al = CABIN FEVER.

Like I said, I haven't been myself and I probably haven't been the nicest either. [Here it goes...] I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been edgy. I'm sorry that I can't hold a consistent amount of level headed actions and words. I'm sorry. What more can I say besides I'm sorry?


In result of being moody, ugly and cranky.. I now wake up alone in the bed next to Al. He doesn't cuddle me. He doesn't kiss me. He won't even hug me. All because of how I've treated him over the past couple weeks.
I mean, wouldn't any one of you go out of your mind because you're stuck at home unable to fully take care of your self? Can't leave when ever you want? Can't talk on the phone because you're phone has been shut off for the past month due to no payment? How about only having Luke and Al as human contact just about 24/7. No lie, it gets kinda old and over rated..being off your feet for weeks and stuck on the couch watching reruns of teen mom and the real world. Sounds like heaven at first but just like snowpocalypse of 2011, Atlanta folk started to get that cabin fever just after day 3. Now, could you imagine how you'd lose your mind after 3 weeks?!


Which brings me to this point.. I can't decide if we've gotten old or tired of one another. Or, maybe it is because of how I've treated him and the situation we've gotten our selves into. But, now that I'm feeling better and off, what my roommate calls them "cripple sticks".. I feel like I'm returning to myself again. The old me. I can walk again [I have a gansta limp still]. I can shower by myself without Al's help. I'm getting back on my feet and it is the best feeling in the world right now. But, the worst part of it is.. I don't have anyone at this moment as he and I sit on the couch so close, yet so far...to celebrate it with. And that my friends..is one of the worst feelings to have.

Why is it so hard to just reach over, grab his hand and just say..




Until things get better. Until I get back to work and on my feet financially and emotionally..I'll be sharing the bed alone.