i need a scalpel now while under these lights i lay.

painting..you asked what i do for me..i love to paint..most of the time i have all these thoughts bouncing around in my head.. but with a brush in my hand..the world just gets kinda quiet.
- probably one of the most favorite lines in a movie [the notebook]..cause that's how i feel right now.

this blog... it's gonna cover all subjects of life since the last time i posted. look forward to it.

first off..i realize that i want to go to school and working at brewhouse shouldn't reflect on who i am and what i want to be. it took me 2 years to figure out what i wanted to go to school for.. interpreting for the hearing impaired. the other night when chris from the boh of brewhouse came over and i tried teaching him sign language in the dark..when, he's partially deaf and he should already know sign language..that's me. and that's what i want to do.. he was overly excited for the fact that i'm so passionate about it, and wicked upset with himself for the fact that he does have the knowledge of sign language.
this is me..and call me a nerd. yes, i would love to go to school for sign langu..age. so, hate if you need too.

relationship status...lets go over this. i'm wicked bad at picking the worst of the worst. i like the bad boys that don't treat me like i should be. i'm used to not getting the door opened for me, chair pulled out for me so i can sit down, or even better....having that arm to hold onto while we're walking down the street so that i don't get mugged and i look like i'm actually with you.. since when did those boys come along.. well, i found one. and the biggest fear i have is.... i've been on my own..that single life for so loong life now that i know that i'm gonna fuck it up. that i'll be the one to cheat. i'll be the one to start the argument over my poor judgement and my poor actions..i just feel like after all the shit i've been thru with the one love i've had....

i'm fucked.

i'm gonna fuck up the best thing that comes along because of what i've been through and what i will do to sabotage myself from actually being happy. it's a default i have. it's something i'm gonna have to get used to.. actually,

i've come to terms with it.

and it.....

sucks.

another issue..job. i mentioned it earlier..brewhouse. it pays the bills. SOME of the times.. other times, i'm scrounging for money. but i've recently been offered a paralegal job. which, i'm hella down. but, do you think i know 2 shits about paralegal shit? fuck no. the only foot i have in the door is the fact that i've gotten a DUI... since when does a DUI help you get a job... yep, this one. helps i guess. i donno. so, i'm totally down to get out of brewhouse. i'm over the tables that tip only 10% on their tab.. when, i'm sorry to break it to ya....... we don't make $9 or $10 an hour.. yes, i'm sorry to break it to ya.. it's ssstilllllll $2.13 an hour.

the only advice i give you..that's if you've never been a waitress/waiter..watch the movie "waiting" please and FUCKING THANK YOU..

drinking..that's a whole new story.. it's new but, it's old with me. i've been drinking for a hot min. i've actually been drinking a lot heavily lately.. i can tell you why.. now, if you've asked me in person it's because "i've got nothing else better to do".. no, it's cause i've got nothing else better to....so i result to drinking.. i drink to forget. to, lose control of my feelings and sometimes cry. so, hate me.. i don't have someone to hold hands with; someone to share everyday secrets with; someone to look forward to being alive for.. so, you know what.. i'm gonna keep pushin my luck. push. push push. i push it so hard... that don't hate me cause i am going to admit it.. i push it so hard that i kinda don't care. i've been to the hospital and out of it once before, that i kinda don't mind that.. if i don't come out of it... that's fine. it was meant to be. just like i was meant to be cheated on. just like i was meant to be hit by a 54 year old ex marine.. yah, totally deserved it. so, life happens.. nothing too much to do about it.

..and i'll leave it at that.

can't forget the subject of drugs can we?!.....i've gotten into 'em lately. now, lemme clarify "drugs". i will hands down on my life, mom, sis and dad's life that i've never touched anything besides weed. you can test me all day everyday. the only shit i've got in my system is weed and alcohol. legit. shit happens when you hit a depressive state [which i'm sure will be my next paragraph].
i've done a hella amounts of weed lately. i never used to smoke. wait, when i was with HIM of 5.5 years, our relationship for the first year was THE hands down BEST [THE BEST] year of my life.. we never argued [girlfran knows EXACTLY who i'm talking about - altho she doesn't read my blog] and all we did was play video games and eat.. i could never ask for more [and for those of you that know me, know this brings me almost to tears to mention]..but, i used to be for a legit year; a pot head. i could go thru 3 or 4 bowls of weed. and i wouldn't even cough let alone get high... now, one poof.. and it's over and done with.

[and as i speak about my year of being a pot head, i listen to all the songs that took me back to that day; back to the day with him - i'm afraid. afraid i'll never ever get over him] <- this is where i show that i can be weak and i do have a soul.

my biggest fear [this is where i become vulnerable]..... i compare everyone to him. no one compares.

so, hate me.

and i'll never get through comparing everyone and anyone to you. so please, hate me for it.

please.

moving forward before i start cutting myself....

long dramatic pause.. i sit here. i breathe. i think...this isn't where i want to be. and i know that those who are reading this are pretty much thinking.. "why don't you shut the fuck up, either A: cut your self already or B: get off your asss and do something besides blog and facebook".........i understand this. but, i don't have support. i don't have encouragement to do anything with my self. i have low self esteem.. you wouldn't believe but i emotionally dog on myself. i nit-pick at myself. i dog myself so far down that, i actually believe that no one should feel sorry for me.

i'm my own bully.

 

basically this blog..

i've been down. i may have acted as my peppy happy self who claps and bounces around..but, i've had so much on my mind... that i don't even think i've even explained 1/2 of what was going on in my head right now... i guess i just need a canvas right now to paint it out cause no words could even describe the thoughts that bounce around my/alley's head [you'll get this if you've seen the movie...from the first paragraph.]

since i've started listening to for example: the used, senses fail, taking back sunday, saves the day.. [all of your bands]... i'll leave you readers with this...

depression is temporary...death is permanent.

[& i'll try to keep that in mind.]