confessions of a cheater

Once a cheater..always a cheater. Isn't that how the story goes?


Background check:

He and I started dating when I was 19. Young love. I could not have been anymore heals over head in loove with this boy. I used to be in a relationship with him and it lasted 5.5 years. Well, what years you want to count faithful..it was only 2.5 years. But that's besides the point. Two years in into the relationship I get a phone call. One of the most horrific phone calls I thought I would be the last person on earth to receive.. "is it possible to like someone that is gay?" - my answer: "yes, gay, straight, bisexual, trisexual.. it is possible to like anyone...whyy?"


And that's when my heart died..

"I think I like *******" [name withheld because I refuse to type it.] His voice choked up as he spilled it off his tongue. I dropped to my knees and held my head in my hands. Was this a true story? The boy I pictured marrying, having children with..to like someone else?! When all I did was worship the ground he walked on.. to like someone else?! Still, to this day I choke up about it.

Which leads to the Kelly I am today. I can't hold a relationship. I can't hold onto faithfulness. Once he said that..I lost myself. I continued to stay with him for another 3 years. Repetition maybe the word I'm looking for here. The every day scene of waking up to that person had embedded itself deeply within my brain that I just couldn't let go. Hurt or not, I just couldn't break free until I was completely miserable that it ate away at my soul. But during those last 3 years.. I cheated. Left, right, up and down..hands down I was cheating. I cheated so much and so often that I even found myself to be pregnant and didn't know who's it was. His or someone else's.. I felt like the more I cheated and none of it he knew about made me feel like I was accomplishing the world. Felt like I was getting him back just for having feelings for someone else. And because of that I've now acquired the taste of unfaithfulness.

I find my self still browsing even tho I'm "in a relationship". Always looking for the next best thing. And maybe not even the next best thing...looking for a thrill. I've gotten away with it once, twice, nine times..the thrill to get away with it just one more time..exhilarating. It's a high that I've fulfilled once..once too many.

How does it make me feel to admit that i'm a cheater?
If only you knew.

sleeping alone plus 1

How do you know when a relationship has gotten old? When you run out of things to talk about? When you can't stand the sight of each other? Maybe even worse, when you go to bed together and you still feel like you're going to bed and waking up alone..bingo.

Over the past 3 almost 4 weeks I haven't been the normal happy/bouncy/off the wall Kelly like I usually am. Let me tell you why:
The car accident has left me off my feet for the past 3 almost 4 weeks with a severely sprained ankle. Hobbling around on crutches isn't too flashy these days. Although, it tends to get you a little more respect when you need the door opened for you or the chair pulled out so you can sit down in a comfortable manor. But that's besides the point.


Here is my point: car-less. sprained ankle. Luke and Al = CABIN FEVER.

Like I said, I haven't been myself and I probably haven't been the nicest either. [Here it goes...] I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been edgy. I'm sorry that I can't hold a consistent amount of level headed actions and words. I'm sorry. What more can I say besides I'm sorry?


In result of being moody, ugly and cranky.. I now wake up alone in the bed next to Al. He doesn't cuddle me. He doesn't kiss me. He won't even hug me. All because of how I've treated him over the past couple weeks.
I mean, wouldn't any one of you go out of your mind because you're stuck at home unable to fully take care of your self? Can't leave when ever you want? Can't talk on the phone because you're phone has been shut off for the past month due to no payment? How about only having Luke and Al as human contact just about 24/7. No lie, it gets kinda old and over rated..being off your feet for weeks and stuck on the couch watching reruns of teen mom and the real world. Sounds like heaven at first but just like snowpocalypse of 2011, Atlanta folk started to get that cabin fever just after day 3. Now, could you imagine how you'd lose your mind after 3 weeks?!


Which brings me to this point.. I can't decide if we've gotten old or tired of one another. Or, maybe it is because of how I've treated him and the situation we've gotten our selves into. But, now that I'm feeling better and off, what my roommate calls them "cripple sticks".. I feel like I'm returning to myself again. The old me. I can walk again [I have a gansta limp still]. I can shower by myself without Al's help. I'm getting back on my feet and it is the best feeling in the world right now. But, the worst part of it is.. I don't have anyone at this moment as he and I sit on the couch so close, yet so far...to celebrate it with. And that my friends..is one of the worst feelings to have.

Why is it so hard to just reach over, grab his hand and just say..




Until things get better. Until I get back to work and on my feet financially and emotionally..I'll be sharing the bed alone.

zone 6

Prior to moving to East Atlanta I lived in Gwinnett. Norcorss, Duluth, Lawrenceville, Stone Mountain, Lilburn..just about everywhere. Partied at the semi local bars [the blue moose, taco mac, eastside station, diggers and the oh so flashy trashy sportsline] and thought I had it made..until now. East Atlanta has devoured my lifestyle and a little bit of my soul. Easy access to bar after bar after bar. The bar hoppers dream as I would call it. There's blue frog cantina, the earl, graveyard, eastside lounge, flat iron, and my personal favorite..mary's..the gay bar. The only bar in East Atlanta where you'll see men with hands down eachothers pants and guys gone wild playing on all the tv's without censors. It's so out there, that it's unreal. Almost to the point you just can't tear your eyes away from all the shenanigans afraid that you're going to miss the next off the wall thing.

I've lived down Glenwood Avenue since October. And since October I don't think there has been 1 single day that I haven't had an alcoholic type beverage in my hand. Thanks East Atlanta Village. My liver appreciates it. Not only is it scattered smothered and covered in bars..but the more I live down here and the more I get out, the more people I meet. In result, every person I meet in some way or another live within walking distance away. Plus side, someone has got to have beer to provide me on Sundays when our house is dry. Down side, visits in the middle of the night from drunk people that want to continue the party until the sun comes up. Awfully annoying if I might say. But down here, you give and you take. I'll take the drunk bastards at 4 am any day in exchange for the alcoholics dream of bars just 4 blocks stumbling distance away.

East Atlanta has perks. Bars, friends, shows and much more. But what I can do without is, worrying if I'm going to be mugged or robbed at gun point - even in day light. Having to watch people that are walking behind you and have the slightest suspicion that they're probably carrying a hot weapon and want to fondle my goodies. It's terrible that I have to walk with all my items [cell phone, house key, drivers license etc] pretty much shoved down my panties in fear that when and or if the time comes that I get mugged..the last place they'll think to ask me to dig into besides my pockets will be my panties. Clever, right? I'd like to think so.

The most practical part of the village for me at least, would be the Atlanta Burglar Bar Company near the corner of Glenwood and Flat Shoals. Gives me a giggle every time I walk by. Crime is apparently that bad that we need metal bars on our windows and doors. And I'll admit, our house too has burglar bars on it. With my sense of humor, when first moving into our house..it tickled me to have them..made me feel dangerous. Livin' the thug life like a true playa.

Living down here, I feel more at home than I've ever felt. I can be myself. Tattoos, piercings, chucks, skinny jeans..just about anything goes down here. Do I think I'll ever get tired of this scene? Highly doubtful. Well, at least until I go the creating and starting a family route. Until then, party on.

I live in Atlanta's best kept secret..with all the risks and drunken bastards. And I wouldn't want it any other way.